Confessions of A Midlife Spiritual Woman

I Have a Spiritual Practice For Everything Except Just Being

I came out of the womb as a spiritual seeker. Everything I do in life, and the decisions I make are centred around my desire to connect to my true self. And to contemplate the big questions in life: What is my purpose? How can I help make the world a better place? What is the meaning of life?

The arc of my life as a 52 year old woman is quite a learning curve. For the first forty years of my life, I hiked straight up the steep “meaning mountain,” kind of like ascending a climbing wall by your fingernails. My identity as a spiritual person never came into question during this trying time, and I kept going: seeking, learning, striving.

But recently, in the past decade, I’ve felt a little tired. Tired like someone who started out excited to do a marathon then realized the finish line vanished a decade ago. And then kept going. Tired like that. My spiritual off switch is nowhere to be found. Being spiritual, and living a holistic lifestyle is all I know.

I listen to podcasts for midlife women. During my daily walk, my brain absorbs protocols for my health like how to consume one million grams of protein a day and deal with hormonal issues and/or mood disruptions.

Recently, I joined a six-week micro-dosing journey that had me doing lots of journaling and having giant ahas. Like the super obvious fact that my body needs support, and that I still have many codependent struggles despite years of healing. Face palm.

Every week I enjoy pulling oracle cards, so that I can clock my spiritual compass; otherwise I feel like I’m wandering aimlessly through the mundane, cooking dinner and folding laundry while staring out the window.

Occasionally, I’ll go to a therapy session or a healing session or join a Reiki share.

Yesterday, I joined a group of local women to bake apple pies together. I tried lard for the first time and liked it.

Also, I recently started adding a teaspoon of raw cacao to my coffee. That way it can add something to my day instead of just sitting idle, tasting delicious; get in the game, coffee!

All that to say, I do a fair amount of seeking, healing and contemplating. That’s who I am. Where it gets tricky is when I feel like I’m trying everything and I still feel blah. I still feel lost. I still feel meh.

Then I’m forced to take a step back and ask myself:

Am I doing too much?

Am I a walking billboard for the striving (and exhausted) spiritual student?

What if I took a nap instead of doing a deep dive into my astrological landscape?

What if I sat on the sand and watched the seagulls roll in with the waves?

Would my world collapse if I read a frivolous beachy novel with no lessons or checklists in it?

What if I did something that had no spiritual “point”?

Now there’s a good question. And I’m squirming in my seat just thinking about it.

The mere hint of a “time-wasting” activity brings on the guilt sweats.

And then I want to journal about how my ancestors never rested, and try to heal the part of me that can’t just “be.” But wouldn’t that take me away from my nap or book? Hmm. That’s so meta.

When was the last time I truly enjoyed a moment, feeling an inward smile of pure gratitude for being my Self?

Yesterday, I went into town with no plans, and three and a half hours of time stretched ahead of me.

I wandered down to the beach. I admired the turquoise and dark blue contrast of the water and watched tourists marvel at what I have access to every single day.

A warm feeling grew in my belly.

Then I went into a few gift shops, smelling each bottle, soap and candle. It was a heady experience!

I sorted through racks of jeans, shirts and blouses, but didn’t have the drive to try anything on. I just admired the textures, colours and designs.

I ended up at a nice hotel by the water, in the cafe, and ordered a coffee and turkey sandwich on a croissant. I did some more gazing out at the ocean, and a feeling of profound gratitude, calm and wonder washed over me. I felt my body relax and shift into being. I am SO lucky to live here!

When my husband came to get me, my heart had blossomed, and healing had occurred. With no journal, livestream or checklist in sight.