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Top 7 Ways People Pleasers Need to Be to Find Their Soulmate (and Stop Attracting Narcissists)

Nov 17, 2020

What is a True Soulmate?

If you’re anything like me you’ve followed Spiritual/New Age-ish teachers and websites where healers talked a lot about Soulmates. Back then (circa 2008), the idea of attracting your Soulmate terrified me. “Dark night of the soul” and “mirrors all your darkest stuff back to you” did not conjure up romantic walks on the beach and feelings of bliss. No one in their right mind would want to find a soulmate. That’s why as a Healer who has been around the block and suffered enough Dark Nights of the Soul to choke a horse, I am putting forward a more palatable definition of what I call a True Soulmate. And as someone who has found my True Soulmate, who lights up my life and we’re getting married in December, here is a definition you can go by. Your TRUE SOULMATE is someone who:

  • Is stable and aware in mind/body/soul
  • Cherishes you
  • Understands you
  • Loves you with all their heart
  • Is committed and loyal to you
  • Treats you with respect, admiration and consideration
  • Has the same dreams and vision for an amazing life
  • Supports you
  • Spends time with you
  • Laughs at your jokes (if that’s important to you!)
  • Thinks you’re next level sexy
  • Admires you
  • Can’t wait to see you if they are away
  • Is your best friend
  • And you feel the same about them!
  • And you love each other more every single day

What is a Narcissist? 

A Narcissist is someone with a mental health condition categorized as a personality disorder where the person exhibits a pattern of grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, and lack of empathy. There are several categories and subcategories that speak to their behaviours and how they present themselves. Being involved with a Narcissist can be at best feeling like you’re the only one in the room and at worst being abused. 

  1. Be Clear

You need to know what you want. How do you want to feel with someone? How do you want to spend your time with them? What are your must haves? Are you ok if they work long hours or do you want someone who is happier at home and working a regular 9-5? What makes you feel loved? Your Soulmate will love to hear all about what you want. A Narcissist will quickly become bored and move on. Clarity is the manipulation killer.

  1. Be Rude

If you’re on a dating website and you have a Zoom date and you start feeling icky after 5 minutes, be rude and end the call. You can say something like: “I’ll have to stop you there, I don’t think this is going in the direction I’m looking for. Have a good evening!”
I’ll never forget a presentation I saw on a talk show once that explained that women will stay in or put themselves in a dangerous situation, because they don’t want to be rude. Be rude!! Be very, very rude. I hope you understand that I don’t actually think you’re being rude by saying what you feel--I’m just trying to point out that there is a very good chance that someone will label you as that. That’s ok. A Narcissist will rely on you being polite and nice to get what they want from you. Your Soulmate will be ok with you honouring your needs.

  1. Be Consistent

If you show up each time as you and explain what you want and what you’re looking for, whether it’s on a dating app or a zoom date, it will amp up the magnetic energy. You will become brighter and brighter and easier to spot. Keep telling your friends who you are looking for. Keep showing up with fresh energy on those sites. Dropping off and coming back is ok but know that you’ll basically have to start over again when you come back. 

  1. Be Vocal

Even if it’s uncomfortable to say it, tell the truth. Let someone know that you’re not interested. Don’t be like I was and wait for the tenth date to finally spill the beans. Your time is precious and the more time you allow others to be with you and around you when you don’t want to be, the more you’ll be drained and feel used. Be vocal also means tell someone your honest opinion and likes/dislikes. Agreeing with them that you also like lasagna (even when you’re wildly allergic to tomatoes) is a recipe for disaster and will not give you the loving relationship you desire. 

  1. Be Brief

When you have something to say or you want to voice your truth, say it straight up. Telling your life story is tiring for you and is overwhelming for the other person. Give it time to get to know each other. If you feel good being around the person and you want to share, keep a little bit for next time. Hand out your gems in little gifts. If you’ve just met someone and you know it’s not feeling right, briefly tell them you’re going to keep looking. Save your energy. 

  1. Be Abundant

The truth is there are plenty of compatible soulmates out there for you. There is no such thing as the One who is going to descend from the 10th dimension to meet up with you after millions of years apart. No. You have so many infinite possibilities of amazing relationships that are truly soulful and blissful. Think abundantly and don’t cling to people who you think might be the One because you think it’s your only chance. That is a guaranteed behaviour that will keep you snared with a Narcissist. 

  1. Be You

This sounds simple but is the hardest thing in the world for a people pleaser. I know because I’m an Empowered People Pleaser who spent years being everything for everybody and twisting myself into an emotional pretzel until my chronic health conditions, trauma and self-abandonment took me down completely. From there I picked myself back up and spent the next 12 years on a journey home to me. And I made it. I love myself more every day and in turn am surrounded by loving relationships, including with my True Soulmate. You can do it too. Being yourself and feeling loved is possible. 

Looking for more support in a community of other empowered people pleasers in the making? Join my community! It’s completely free, and I share healing and empowerment techniques, strategies and stories on how to attract people into your life who will love you for who you are! Think of it like home, where you can relax and geek out on self-empowerment. Join below: Relationship empowerment for people pleasers


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